Wednesday, November 6, 2013

A Day of Sorrow

Today, my friend found out she was having a miscarriage. It's a very sad time for her and while I don't wish to take away her pain and tears (these are good things for our soul and ability to heal), I do want her to know that I am there to support her in whatever way she needs. 

I've experienced my own miscarriage with my very first baby. I was in a very sad mood for days. I mentally dared everyone to try and cheer me up so I could snap vengefully at them that I didn't have to. Few people other than my family and a few friends knew I was pregnant at the time. It was hard to tell them on a few days after saying we were expecting that we had lost the child. A few, I'm sorry's, were said, but that was all. It was the day before Valentine's day and the weekend. My husband let me rest and left me alone to think. The next day he took me to go mini golfing to work through a bit of what I was processing. I'm naturally competative and by the end of the rounds I felt like my brain wasn't so foggy. I don't think I laughed or smiled much, but it was nice to not have the pressure of a sit down dinner with candles and flowers. A movie would have been equally bad since I would have been trapped for two hours watching a film I might have liked but at the wrong time. I should have taken the week off work but back I went because I didn't know what to do with myself. It was lonely. 

Our current culture doesn't know what to do with people who lose someone. Early miscarriages and non-spousal deaths are looked on as light sorrows that should be gotten over as soon as possible. I remember watching the show The Secret Circle (cancelled after one season), and the callousness of the characters to the girlfriend who's boyfriend died only a few days earlier. People aren't respectful of others when they tell them to get over it. It used to be normal in enlightened cultures, that the person who suffered a loss be allowed to grieve for at least 1 year. 

If you know someone who has experienced a loss here are some things you can do for them:

1. If you know their religious affiliation, let them know you will pray for them. 
2. Let them know it is a sad time and that it's okay to be sad, especially if they need to cry. 
3. Offer to let them talk about it for as long as they need to. 
4. Let them kniw that if there is anything you can help with that you are there for them. 

Little else needs to be said. Make a simple gift. Give them a card. But please don't ask them to get over it. 

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